Sober Living by the Sea Blog

Someone had to stop babying me and teach me a hard lesson. That lesson happened to be tough love.

As long as there was a shed of light, someone for me to take advantage of, someone for me to manipulate, someone to put a roof over my head and food in my stomach, I was going to keep on going down that wrong path of self-destruction.

I tried many ways to get clean and sober. I was trying my own ideas. I was a perfect example of self-will run riot though I didn’t really think so. When I finally became unable to bear any more of the pain that I had presented myself with, I turned to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I found out that just reading The Book did not keep me sober. It was a recovery home that got me into the action suggested by the Big Book. I have read it before and didn’t understand it. I didn’t think I was like the ones that the Big Book portrayed.

All My Bridges are Finally Burned

That day did come when the door closed on me. No one wanted me around anymore. They were tired of seeing me slowly killing myself in front of them. I had caused my own problems.
I thought I was special. Sometimes people had treated me special because I had a problem. The Big Book says, “Perhaps they created the impression that he be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. A successful readjustment means the opposite.”

People were trying to "love me till I could love myself." But they were enabling me. They were co-dependent with me. They would let me do whatever I wanted thinking I would come around someday for the better. That day would never come until I heard some truth about myself.

The truth hurts and I did not want to hear it. Through pain came willingness.

Things do pop out of the Big Book the more times you read it. I started to see myself all over the pages. And it was telling me the truth, about me.

Dr. Silkworth, a medical doctor, of the Big Book writes:

“Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and
hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases,
their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to
re-create their lives.”

I heard the truth about myself. And when I got honest with myself in the fourth step, I saw the truth that these people had been telling me. What an awakening it had become. With that inventory of myself and the help of my sponsor I had some work cut out for me in changing myself from the inside out.

I have heard that if you want to change your world, change your attitude. It was hard to find out I was not the General Manager of the Universe. It was hard to find out that everything did not revolve around me. Dr. Jung, a psychiatrist quoted in the Big Book writes:

“Ideas, emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives
of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of
conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.”

The Fellowship of Recovery Helps the Newcomer

There was no way I would have been able to do this by myself. I found a fellowship in the meetings. I found new friends, ones that actually cared about me. People that would call me on my b.s. My "old friends" had just put up with me. These "new friends" were there to help me. Though I didn’t really like what they told me at times: the Truth.

I don’t tell newcomers that it is going to be all right. It’s not. Life can be hard at times. But, because of the tools that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous have given me, I can go through the challenges of everyday living with a smile on my face.

If I can do it, so can you.


Chris S. is staff member who walks the talk of recovery and is very involved in the lives of our male clients. He is a guiding influence who is not afraid to confront our clients on behaviors that he recognizes as detrimental to their sobriety. As you have read in this entry, Chris believes that the truth can be painful but must be faced in order to achieve long term sobriety.

Labels: having fun in sobriety, tough love

Sponsor: n
spon·sor [spónssər] (plural spon·sors)
1. somebody responsible for another: somebody who undertakes responsibility for another, especially during a period of education, apprenticeship, or probation

The early members of Alcoholics Anonymous typically found the group by introduction from someone who had put themselves forward as willing to take responsibility for their welfare. Ebby (Bill Wilson’s “sponsor”) was taken under the wing of Rowland H. and Cebra G., they becoming his sponsor when he appeared before Cebra G’s father who was the judge charged with determining whether or not Ebby should be committed for alcoholic insanity. Rowland and Cebra sponsored Ebby in the cause of sobriety employing the tenants of Moral Rearmament (Oxford group), presenting Ebby with first century Christian principles as a way to stay sober. This was the message that Ebby then brought to Bill at his kitchen table a few months later. Many if not most of the early sponsors were not alcoholics themselves. From the first page of the early pamphlet A MANUAL for ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS published by the King School Group (1st AA group):

To the Sponsor: If you have never before brought anyone into A.A. the booklet
attempts to tell you what your duties are by your ‘Baby,’ how you should conduct
yourself while visiting patients, and other odd bits of information, some of
which may be new to you.”

Sponsorship has always been an integral part of the A.A. way of life. Today sponsors are typically members who have worked the steps and have been invested in the process long enough to help those asking for their help over the inevitable rough spots in sobriety and their experience strength and hope as it relates to recovery from the disease of addiction.

The early members accepted sponsorship as a given. Because of this when the book Alcoholics Anonymous was penned, much to their later chagrin, the concept was not specifically touched on in the text (pages 1-164) of the “Big Book”. To their credit the decision was made not to rewrite the text to reflect this, instead relying on members accounts, both in the stories section of the book as well as one on one to make the point. Anyone who questions the concept of sponsorship need only take a few minutes and read the members accounts and any doubt as to the necessity of sponsorship for successful long term recovery will be dispelled.

Vince Jones is a popular lecturer who is passionate about recovery and helps our clients achieve a spiritual change to strengthen their new life of sobriety. Clients in all of our programs are eligible to attend Vince's lectures and hear messages like this, including our treatment program for women, treatment program for men, and our eating disorder treatment program. Clients at our Riverside treatment facility will also have access to this type of message but from different lecturers.

Labels: AA, alcoholics anonymous, recovery, sponsor, sponsorship, vince jones

Gina F. is a staff member who is also an alumnus of Sober Living by the Sea. Many of our staff members are alumni of this treatment program. Read about part I of her story in yesterday's blog.

A Miracle of Redemption - Gina F.'s Story Part II

When I arrived at Sober Living by the Sea I was full of arrogance(which was really fear). I thought to myself "I have four degrees and I have graduated with honors from a university - what can Sober Living by the Sea teach me?" (I also had four 5150’s and four trips to detox - isn't it funny how the mind just sees what it wants?)

I came here thinking that drug treatment wasn’t going to work for me. "After all I know all this stuff already - I've studied it in school." in theory. I later heard that 'self-knowledge availed us nothing - we had to live it.' I had read that in the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous many times before but it was always on an academic level not on a spiritual level and it certainly didn’t apply to me!

I found myself annoyed with the young people here "who were just here for mommy and daddy." In looking back I can see that it wasn’t annoyance but rather heartbreak over my ownbroken relationship with my son.

Soon I started talking with the young people and trying to understand what was going on in their lives trying to get a picture of what was going on with my son. I soon found that all the tools I needed to start in my journey of recovery where right here at Sober Living by the Sea. I needed to put my pride and ego aside and roll up my sleeves and get to work at an honest attempt at working the 12 Steps of recovery.

I got a sponsor and I began working the 12 Steps of recovery. I worked with my case manager, and went to as many groups as I could. I participaed in the Celebrate Recovery program, I went to activities and my 90 days of treatment flew by. Soon it was time to leave but I didn’t want to.
I was scared so I decided to stay and go into their work release program for another 90 days. I got a job at a local business and began working again as administrative assistance doing clerical work.

As I continued to work with my sponsor and work on my program of recovery big things soon started happening in my life - things that I could have never dreamed of!

Because of my education I was soon given the opportunity to join the staff here at Sober Living By the Sea and be a part of the community. Today I manage the very house that I first walked into when I was full of fear and arrogance. It’s a good feeling to be able to say to the new girl that has just walked through the door that "I remember what it was like when I walked through that door myself." I hope that in some small way it brings them comfort to know that this process worked for me and can also work for them.

My recovery is strengthened through my work with the women who come to Sober Living by the Sea. AA literature talks about how recovery begins with one alcohol talking to another sharing experience, strength and hope. I am blessed to be in a position where I can do that.

On a personal level my life has never been better. Today I can actually tell you today the color of your eyes rather that the color of your shoes!

Reconnecting and Making Amends

During my journey of recovery I once walked into a support group meeting and ran into a boyfriend from my past who had also become sober. This was a miracle in itself but as we rekindled our friendship I was filled with fear and apprehension about fully living life and engaging in relationships without the familiar comfort of using drugs and alcohol.

The staff here at Sober Living by the Sea was instrumental at walking me through that situation in my life. Three weeks later, we made our amends to each other and he has added a whole other dimension to my program of recovery. God works in mysteries ways.

My boyfriend and I have been together now for three years and plan on getting married when the time is right

The Gifts of the Program

I have recently been certified as a nalcohol and drug counselor as well as a Certified Criminal Justice Professional through the California Association of Alcohol and Drug Counselors. My hope is to one day be able to be a case manager here at Sober Living By the Sea and give back what was so freely given to me.

There is one last miracle that I want to tell you about: my son. 18 months ago he called and asked for help. I was able to take what had been shown to me here at Sober Living by the Sea, from my sponsor and my boyfriend and reach across that abyss that is alcoholism and show him what it takes to stay sober.

I am happy and proud to say that my son passes along the message of recovery to the new men in the program of AA.. My son is 22 years old and is 18 months sober. Recently, he made me a grandmother.

My life has truly been a miracle of Redemption.

Gina F. is a community staff member at Sober Living by the Sea. Gina graduated in 2000 from Cal Poly Pomona with a Bachelors is Sociology and a minor in Criminology and emphasis in social work. In 1998 Gina graduated from Chaffey College with an associate degree in liberal arts. Gina has been a CADA I since January of 2009 and has been on staff for three years. Gina is also a Certified Criminal Justice Professional. Gina is soon to celebrate four years of sobriety. Gina is a proud mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, employee and sponsors two girls in the program of A.A.

Labels: recovery success story

Gina F. is a staff member who is also an alumnus of Sober Living by the Sea. Many of our staff members are alumni of this treatment program.

A Miracle of Redemption - Gina F.'s Story Part I

I came into Sober Living by the Sea a broken woman. My dreams and hopes smashed, my life in scattered pieces. My name is Gina F. I was 42 years old on Sept. 21 2005 when I came through the doors of the house on 45th street.

I knew very young that I was an alcoholic but being the last child in an Italian-Catholic home I just figured drinking was part of living. I soon found out that the way I drank was not normal. I was raised in a loving home by two parents and I have two older sisters. I had everything I could have asked for, normal by anyone looking in.

Alcoholic Logic

I was married at 21 but nine months after our son was born my husband walked out on me and the baby. I went to work in a hospital as a unit clerk and went back to school. This was my bright idea: I would go back to school and become a alcohol and drug counselor and get recovery that way. I could save my family and myself the embarrassment of admitting I was an alcoholic and get a career at the same time while providing for my son. This sounded completely logical to me.

So that’s what I did: I went to school and continued to work while being a full time single mother. At night when my son was asleep, after the dishes were done and the lunches were packed and the laundry was going, I would sit down to study with a drink in my hand. That went on for two years. I graduated from that program and went to work in a hospital based treatment center.

Much to my surprise that didn’t keep me sober - in fact my drinking became much worse. My son was getting older and the demands of every day life were becoming overwhelming - but I had to keep up this façade that I had it all under control. About this time I injured my neck and was put on disability and the doctors were freely prescribing pain killer. I became hooked on the pills along with the alcohol.

Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization

Around the time that my son was about 14 and a freshman in high school, I felt he no longer needed me or wanted me around. I was no longer working and I felt useless and without purpose. I decided that killing myself would be better then living, this was the first attempt out of four, time after time I ended up in the emergency room of the hospital that I worked at.

So again I decided that I needed to go back to school. I applied to the university and started working on my bachelors in Sociology and a minor in criminology. As more years passed by, my drinking and pill popping became so bad that I needed my son to drive me to school, I went so far as to take him out of school the last semester of his senior year so that he could drive me around, telling everyone it was because of my neck injury and in reality it was because I was blasted out of my mind on drugs and alcohol. That’s an amends I will never be able to make right - he missed all his senior activities because of my selfishness.

My son and I graduated the same year one night apart. I had my bachelors, he had his high school diploma. Now what??? I began to see that something wasn’t right with him soon after graduation, I suspected it was drug related and I was right. Soon he started getting arrested and there was nothing I could do to stop this runaway train that was speeding through both of our lives.

I was helpless, hopeless and scared at the time of my last 5150 and detox. After about a year of being institutionalized and going in and out of detox my family had been through enough. The morning of my last detox I was informed that I was not going home but someone from a program called Sober Living By the Sea in Newport Beach was coming to pick me up and I was going to a 90 day treatment center. This was the day before my son’s 19th birthday.

"Great," I thought, "at least if I am miserable I can drown myself in the ocean."

In the next blog entry, you can read about Gina's experience at Sober Living by the Sea and life in sobriety.

Gina F. is a community staff member at Sober Living by the Sea. Gina graduated in 2000 from Cal Poly Pomona with a Bachelors is Sociology and a minor in Criminology and emphasis in social work. In 1998 Gina graduated from Chaffey College with an associate degree in liberal arts. Gina has been a CADA I since January of 2009 and has been on staff for three years. Gina is also a Certified Criminal Justice Professional. Gina is soon to celebrate four years of sobriety. Gina is a proud mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, employee and sponsors two girls in the program of A.A.

Labels: recovery success story

In this entry, staff member Kelly K. reflects on his recovery.

For many years I would get my family to help me get out of trouble which often included providing the means to receive treatment. As the years passed I burnt more and more bridges and slowly the reality of my situation became clear...

I would hit a new bottom and become willing to go into treatment again and again. As my physical health and legal problems (if any) became alleviated and the damaged relationships were repaired, the suggested "one year of treatment" would be cast aside as I would have delustional thoughts like "all I need is to-

- get back to work"
- get a apartment"
- get into a relationship"
- take care of legal problems"
- get a nice car"
- lose some weight"
- get some sun"
- exercise and get a dog"
- take vitamins"
- go to meetings and get a sponsor (only when I find the right person)"

Year after year I would find myself in progressively worse situations.

It was not until I finally became willing to take direction from men and women who had done it before me that I was able to really change my life.

See, I thought the professionals wanted something different for me. All I heard is "one year of treatment." I didn't realize that they wanted for me to complete a long period of treatment to build a stronger foundation and network of new friends. The result of this would be that I get all the things in my life that I want.

An example of how to spend one year of treatment:

• 3 months to Detox and find a sponsor and work steps 1, 2, 3 work on physical sobriety.


• 3 months to develop a daily routine, work steps 4, 5, 6 find a home group, get a commitment.


• 3 months to trust the new daily routine, work steps 7, 8, 9- find a job or go back to school.


• 3 months to enjoy this new confidence, work steps 10, 11, 12 – find an apartment or roommate.

It took me a long time to find out that I was not as well as I thought I was. Having people enable you with money that you did not earn was a part of the problem. I always wanted what I wanted and wanted it NOW!

I am grateful for my life now. My sobriety date is 10/5/03 I have a sponsor and have worked the steps to the best of my ability. I have a daily routine. I am married and we have a apartment. I have 4 dogs and a cat. I have been at the same job for 5 years. I have real friends,
My prayers of being able to sit in my own skin have been answered.

I have finally have given myself a chance to heal and change – One Day at a Time

Kelly K. is a staff member who belives that the newcomer to sobriety should have as much fun as possible. Kelly believes in doing "whatever it takes" to keep the new person around long enough to experiencing the miracle of recovery.

Labels: recovery, sobriety, treatment

Jay Rau is a Certified Addictions Specialist (CAS) who loves working with the clients at our rehab facility in Newport Beach. Jay facilitates lectures and specialize in criminal thinking errors and positive thinking techniques.

In February 2009 I spent a week with my brother-in-law who was being treated in a terminal cancer ward. He was dying of a fast acting cancer that had invaded his brain, stomach and lymph nodes. He was receiving radiation and chemotherapy in order to extend his life as long as possible, which ended up being only about six months.


While I was there he did not have an appetite and was losing weight at an alarming rate because the chemotherapy was upsetting his stomach. I asked a nurse if marijuana could be an option to settle his stomach and make him hungry. The nurse looked at me like I was from another planet (and in a way I am- I live in California and we were in Kentucky). She told me, “No sir, that stuff is illegal!" Maybe if he could have smoked some he may have eaten and may have lived a little longer. Who knows?

Not all cancer ends in death. Many people live. Every day people are cured of cancer and many other diseases. Marijuana helps settle the stomach in order to ingest life-giving nourishment. Marijuana is known to give relief to other conditions such as glaucoma, insomnia, anxiety and chronic pain to name a few. I’m all for every human to live in peace and harmony and free of pain and any type of misery.

But if the medication leads to addiction - seek treatment!

There are a few warning signs, but you must take an honest look at yourself:

• After the cancer is gone and the chemotherapy is over, are you still using Marijuana?
• Are you using Marijuana to settle your stomach so you can eat at meal time or are you using it all of the time?
• If you have Glaucoma, are you using Marijuana to lower intraocular pressure in your eyes or to stay high all day long?
• If you have Insomnia, do you use Marijuana just before bedtime or morning, noon and night?
• If you have Anxiety, are you using Marijuana to calm yourself or to keep yourself comatose?
  

If you are using medical marijuana as prescribed by a real doctor for a legitimate reason that should be okay. However, if you have any of the above warning signs or find yourself becoming powerless over marijuana and your life becomes unmanageable: SEEK TREATMENT!

Our treatment center is happy to answer any questions you may have about marijuana.

Jay Rau, CAS

Labels: addiction, cancer, chemotherapy, medical marijuana

Labels: alcoholics anonymous, one day at a time