Letter from the Child of an Alumnus of our Facility

6.6 million children under the age of eighteen live in households with at least one alcoholic parent. I am one of those 6.6 million. My childhood was relatively normal. My mother would assist me with my schooling, attend my sporting events, and be my support base. At the age of nine, I was confronted with the fact that my mother was an alcoholic. As her drinking progressed, our relationship digressed. She began to shirk her duties as a mother and I was no longer the son that was her primary charge and reason for living, but a secondary issue to her constant need for a drink. Her alcoholism had gotten to a point where I could no longer stand by idly and watch her kill herself, action had to be taken. In one instance, I came to find her sprawled on the floor, unconscious, lying in a pool of her own urine. It was a dire situation and called for dire action on my part. The action I chose to take was to continue to love her, but to love her differently. No longer would I be the one to support her when she was too drunk to walk, or to put her to bed when she was too intoxicated to do so on he own. I would love her from a distance, not running to aid her in her time of need. If she was going to drink it was going to be without me to enable her to do so. She would have to choose - the bottle or me. Action was needed for her to quit and I knew her sobriety could not be achieved through constant coddling. Supportive action would only enable her to continue with her destructive behavior. What needed to be done was more drastic and would end up being one of the hardest things I ever had to do, choosing to love her by not loving her. I would no longer be in her life.
        What followed was a period of time when I cut all connection between us. Although this really destroyed me deep down, I knew it was the right thing to do. With my mother not being the dependable parent that she once was, I felt as if I did not have someone to support me through the challenging years of adolescence and teen-hood. It was as if a major part of my life was missing. I was tormented by constant anxiety, knowing that she was still drinking on a daily basis, but I knew there was no other alternative but to stay firm and resolute in my tactic to treat her with tough love. It hurt me to do so but I knew that she would either learn that she was alone and change or she would end up killing herself. I prayed that it wasn't the latter.
        It has now been four years since my mother last touched a bottle. She took her last drink in late 2006. She is now the loving and supportive mother that I was missing for most of my life. When she finally decided to get sober I asked her why she had decided to finally give up her drinking and to choose a life free of substance abuse. She told me that she was tired of not having her children around. This was one of the toughest life lessons I have learned yet. I knew that my actions were right and that if they worked out it would lead to fruitful and caring relationship, something I had not enjoyed since my early childhood, but it was only after years of torment, anxiety and tears that I was able to achieve this. This has translated into my everyday life that I no longer fear making the right decision because of the painful repercussions that I might face. I know that the correct action is not always the easiest but it is the most fruitful and thanks to my resolution I now have a relationship with my mother that eleven years ago I did not think possible.

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Al Anon is a recovery program for the relatives of those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.  While this letter makes no mention of the program of Al Anon we feel strongly that it can be helpful for the family members who are also devastated by addiction and alcoholism.  for more information go to: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/