A Grateful Look at the Big Picture by Chris S.

   Within a few minutes of opening my eyes my head had me on the wrong side. I had gotten ticked off at my job - but there was nothing wrong. After 8 more hours of work I am on another vacation. Funny how the head can turn something good into something bad in no time at all. And I have over ten years of sobriety.

     I went outside to smoke a cigarette and the tools I had picked up from working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous kicked in. Thank God. I said, “Whoa,” to myself and thought wait, "I leave for Reno in a bit. How do you think that got to happen? By working my job. By doing what I am paid to do."

     Even with the double digit sobriety under my belt I tend to forget to be grateful where I have ended up in life. I didn’t do it. There is something out there that guides me into trying to be a better person. I sometimes forget where I came from. I sure don’t know where I’m going, but it does seem to be in the right direction. And I tend to forget.

     I never used  to take vacations when I was drinking and using drugs. At least vacations like I get to take now. My disease led me to the streets, "the bush," or "urban camping" as some like to call it. I was wondering where my next drink was coming from not where I was going to be in a day.

   I ended up in the mental wards thinking "life was pretty good after all." I was in the jails thinking "how am I going to get out of this one?" I was in the hospitals thinking "why won’t they just let me die?" Yes the disease took me to some pretty sordid places. Places I wouldn’t wish on anyone else. And I tend to forget the big picture.

     I was told at the beginning to give it a year and if I didn’t like where I ended up I could have my old life back. At the end my old life didn’t mean a thing even to myself. Why would I want it back? Now I had a good life at one time, but the disease took it away after a few years.

     I lay back in bed and said the Serenity Prayer. Then I said the Lord’s Prayer. Then I focused my mind on the things I tend to forget about or take for granted.  The friends in my life that now actually care about me. A little bit of money in the bank so I can take vacations and pay my bills. And most of all, the peace of mind that comes after I use the tools of the program.  Though as you can tell it don’t always happen till I use the tools. But it is getting closer together. I could have called someone and they would have been happy to talk to me. Instead I thought there is probably someone out there that is doing the same thing I just did, so I  got up and wrote it down. In other words, I got grateful after looking at the big picture. I don’t want to go back where I came from. I enjoy this sometimes bumpy road of sobriety. I didn’t ask to be here. Something beyond my greatest dreams put me here to do a “purpose.” And it’s a better than good thing.

   Now I feel better and I’m going back to bed to enjoy whatever dream comes on.

  Thank you for letting me share.