A Change is a Comin' by Chris Swanberg

Today marks 8 years and five months I have had the same job (working for Sober Living by the Sea). This has never happened to me before. I believe the longest was about three years and I quit (knowing that sooner or later they were going to fire me).
     I used to live from paycheck to paycheck. I'd get paid on Friday and then go and payoff the connection. Of course, the liquor store which gave me credit would get paid. Have you ever gone to a bar and the next morning wonder what happened to the money in your wallet? By Monday morning I was wondering what happened to the pay and how was I going to survive for the week. I could get a draw at work. I would get credit at the liquor store and get fronted my drugs. On Friday it would start all over again.

Realistic Expectations About Change

     Life is suppose to be full of changes, but not for me. Maybe change jobs. Find a new place to stay. Notice how I said "stay," not "live." I wasn’t living life. I was surviving from day to day. Now I would be lying if I said I never had any fun. I did. I was around people just like me. Trying to manage another day of getting buzzed. You have to have a sense of humor in that life of hell. Poke fun at someone who is having the same experience. Never doing anything except wishing there was money to get more drugs or alcohol.
     Changes happen all the time. "Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly..." they don't necessarily happen for us overnight. It is a slow process. We and others seem to want it now, but it doesn’t happen that way. There are character defects that we have to identify with before we can change them. Some people are quick to point them out to us. They must have patience just as much as we need to have. 

Changes in Recovery

     I was able to change my punctuality pretty fast. Attitude was a slower process. Especially with my anger. I took up baking every time I got angry. This took my mind off the problem. Then I would give the baked goods away to friends. This helped me feel better about myself (friends wonder now if something is wrong when I bake).
     Slowly I started to change my entire outlook. Friends saw it first. I realized it later in my actions. There is still a long way to go, but I have the rest of my life to work on it. And it is work learning patience, compassion and tolerance. I’m not a natural and there’s no halo in my closet. I just try to the best of my ability each day. I am only human.                                

The Journey Never Ends     

     I’m not the man I should to be. I’m not the man I could be. At least I’m not the man I used to be. I have lost the fear of change. I just don’t know when change happens, it just happens. The program of recovery works wonders as long as I work the program. I’m not sure where I’m going in this life of change, but I do know I am heading in the right direction.
     What is cool is that I have enough sobriety time under my belt to where I get the privilege to see the change in others. Seeing this is a beautiful thing. I hope other people stay around long enough to understand what I’m talking about.

- Chris Swanberg