Attachments and the Recovery Process: "What do we need to get rid of?" by Jay Rau
Jay Rau now presides over the IOP (Outpatient) Program at our treatment center in California. Here he gives an idea on the kind of work he does with our clients in lectures and discussions.
On the island of Java, monkeys love the red bean and natives love monkey meat. To catch the monkey the natives hollow out a coconut and place a red bean in it then hang it from a tree. The monkey sticks his hand in the coconut but can’t pull his clutched fist out of the coconut. The monkey stays there until the native comes and kills him.
Like those monkeys, we humans do not know when to let go. We can get so caught up in the things we are attached to that we become blinded by the truth; to what is truly meaningful. Attachments are a created dependency on something external to compensate for inner feelings.
People use attachments to keep other people from seeing the shame and inadequacy they feel and to escape from their own inner pain. Some examples:
- Someone who felt unloved may need to seek attention.
- They may create superficial relationships or become a religious fanatic
- This person may do the opposite and try to sabotage his own success and happiness.
- We also attach to something that will block our feelings such as drugs or alcohol.
Attachments Mask Inner Fears
We can attach to anything: work, drug addiction, sex, food, neatness, exercise, anger, hate and even fear. The attachment creates a false sense of security. Protected by politically correct ideas, an appropriate wardrobe, the right car or the correct career a person can feel temporarily insulated from feelings of inner loneliness and inadequacy.
Some of us would not touch hand-me-down clothing and yet we cover ourselves with other people’s ideas, values and beliefs.
If there is something outside yourself or some other person with the power to seriously affect your life, you have an attachment. It can be a family member, fellow employee, old friend or mortal enemy.
We are taught that we are not good enough, that our mistakes are personal failures, we don’t drive the right car, read the right book, listen to right music or use the right toothpaste!
If we did all of our troubles would be over! Or would they?
We actually believe that if we are not happy all we have to do is change our outside circumstances: find a new relationship or a temporary one, get a new job, move locations or even go to more 12-Step meetings…
Our attachments become so ingrained into our sense of reality that we lose touch with what is real. We stop growing. It’s like trying to swim while holding on to a large rock. We can’t do it!
The Illusion of Material Possessions
Hard work may create wealth, clothes and a car may make you look good and exercise may give you a hard body, but none of it will enhance your soul. It’s all superficial if it doesn’t come from our heart. We are afraid to let go of the rock for fear of what our life may be like without it.
Being True to Oneself
Our only problems are the limitations we place on our selves. We limit ourselves by failing to honor and love who we really are (if you even know). Some of us are too busy keeping up with others and trying our best to still be hip, slick and cool. (I’ve met a lot of those in prison.)
We live on the outside of our self afraid to look on the inside of our self to the source of our true pain and misery. Instead we look to our jobs, mates, possessions, religions and friends for contentment and satisfaction.
We burden our partners with our need to feel loved.
We need recognition from our parents.
We use our children to make us feel worthy.
We demand that our jobs satisfy our need to feel competent.
...then we wonder why we are not satisfied with life! We wonder why we can’t stay clean and sober!
We need to stop looking "out there" and start looking into our own heart.
Inner Work
Go beyond the 12 steps and do some serious digging to your very core and find out why you are uncomfortable in your own skin. The only real source of satisfaction in life is to be comfortable on the inside. The universe urges us to move beyond attachment to a place of harmony where we live from our hearts.
WARNING:
Ignoring this message does not make it go away; it only guarantees that it will return with greater force.
Love is essential to life.
Love your self and then you will start to love others.
- Jay Rau
Jay Rau is the primary case manager for clients in our outpatient treatment program in Orange County, CA.
