"Life After Christmas" by a staff member

After all the gift wrappings are cleared out. After all the leftovers are put in the fridge. After all the guests, family and friends leave. What comes next? What are we going to do with the son, daughter, dad, mom, niece, nephew, grandparent or grandson/daughter who is in the grips of drug addiction? Will they go on a destructive bender again on New Years’ Day?  This is the question that was raised in my home. I was the son, the nephew, the grandson.

     I screwed up more than one Holiday season.

     At seventeen my mom put $20,000.00 life insurance on me. At 21 years old she added $10,000.00 more. She was not thinking of rehab or treatment. She has kicked me out of the house and disowned me several times. The heartache I used to put her  through I can only imagine now. She did not want to see me slowly killing myself from alcohol and drug addiction. I don’t blame her for any of her actions against me. Especially now that I have had to look at myself. I learned to change myself for the better.

     My only wish right now is that she could of seen this when she was alive. I imagine she is looking down on me now and sees a son the she had raised right. One that tries to do the right thing each day, though it doesn’t always happen. But, I try.

Reflecting on Living Life "In the Disease"

     I use to be so selfish that I would rather die first before mom. Let her suffer more heartache. That did not happen. I see others at our treatment center swear at their parents because they don’t get what they want. Little do they know that someday that the light that keeps us alcoholics/addicts going will not be there forever. No more manipulating the ones that love us.

     After I turned 21 I left the state to go somewhere I thought would be better. I didn’t spend many Christmas’ with mom anymore. I screwed up the Christmas  of other new people I met. I would be rejected by them later on.

     I did get to spend one last Christmas with my mom before she died. She didn’t want the real tree and decorate it as usual. I bought one of those fake eighteen inch trees already decorated for our pleasure. She didn’t want to cook the usual Christmas dinner of ham and all the fixings. I cooked a little Christmas dinner for both of us. You see she had gotten a little older in years and lost some of the Christmas spirit she had had. Of course, I still got drunk on Southern Comfort to her dislike. She died four months later. A light in my life that I never noticed until it was gone.

     She never got to collect on that insurance. She never got to see one of her sons clean and sober. She always had dogs and I mentioned to her one time, “that she loved those dogs more than she did us kids.” She responded with, “My dogs don’t put me through the things that you kids do.” Years later I now understand what she meant.

     Christmas  means  more to me now that I’m clean and sober. It is not the presents or the food or the company. It’s more the process of reflecting back on the year and seeing what I had given back to those I had always had taken from. They may not be around to see, but others can receive.

     I need to end this blog now for I am on my way this Christmas night to speak at a local detox. I am going to practice the fifth tradition and the twelfth step, which is to try to carry a message to those who still suffer.

 - SLBTS Staff Member